A Letter to My Ex

Dear Asshole Piece of Shit Motherfucker,

I despise you. I would say you ruined my life, but I won't allow that to happen. Because I'm better than you. You don't dictate how I live my life anymore. I do. You don't have the right anymore. You no longer have power over me. But fuck, you sure did alter my life.

When I met you I felt like I had my shit together. I had a job I loved, a roof over my head, and even though we didn't have a lot of money, my boys and I had a good life. I had gotten sick of dating and was just about to call it quits and stay single. I liked living my life the way I wanted to. It was nice to come home to my house without anyone else to tell me what to do. And then you came along..

I was on the fence about you. I was interested, but looking back, I should have seen the red flags in the very beginning. I told myself that if our first date didn't go well, I was done. No more dating. I was going to enjoy my freedom and enjoy just being me. But you were so damn charming. You made me laugh. You seemd so chivalrous. And God damn, you were sexy. I should have known better when I saw how much you drank. You always had a beer in your hand. Literally ALWAYS. You grabbed a 6 pack for the road everywhere you went. I passed it off as the exception, not the norm. I should have known better when you told me about how you and your ex wife cheated on each other. Instead I chose to believe you when you said you only did it to "get back at her." That doesn't excuse it, but I allowed myself to believe it did. I should have known better when you told me you grabbed her out of bed by her hair and drug her down the hallway to show her the proof you found on the computer of her cheating again. Instead, I justified it because you were hurt. My gut told me that it wasn't ok, but I wanted so badly to believe the good I saw in you that I told that little voice in my head to shut the fuck up. What I should have done was run as fast as I could away from you, but instead I conjured up the perfect man that I wanted and only saw what I wanted you to be, not what you really were. I saw the man who wanted to throw the football with my boys, not the one who belittled them for every little thing they did. I saw the man who worked hard every day to put a roof over our heads, not the one who threw it in my face every day that we were in YOUR house and you made the ruled. I believed you every time you said you were sorry for belittling me, threatening to kick us out, and later, getting physical with me. I believed your tears. I believed your hugs meant something. I believed that if I just loved you enough and stood by you like nobody else ever had, you would see that you were better than that. I wanted so badly for you to be the man I created in my mind that I genuinely believed you would be if I stood by you through the hard times. I was your loyal little puppy and all you did was kicked me when I was down.

Speaking of being down, you were the one who put me there. You would build me up so high and put me on a pedestal just so you could shove me off of it and break me down. Once you did that, you'd become Mr. Charming again and make me believe how much you loved me. I see now that this cycle started as soon as I moved in with you. I told you that if we moved in together, that was it for me. I was in it for keeps. I told you I was looking for a husband to love me and to grow old with. You promised me that. You promised me the world. Within a month of moving in I should have seen through the bullshit and lies. I should have seen your blatant deception. I should have valued myself enough to walk away. But in true Heather form, I forgave you the first time you told me I was a piece of shit and you didn't want me in your house anymore. I forgave you the next time, and the next time, and all the times after that. I forgave you the first time you belittled me in private. I forgave you the first time you belittled me in front of our friends. I forgave you the first time you belittled my kids. I forgave you the first time you screamed at me so hard you had me cowering in the fetal position under the dining room table sobbing like a baby, begging you to stop. I forgave you the first time you made me feel guilty for not wanting sex because you never showed me affection so Iet you fuck me just to make you feel good, while I felt like a whore. I forgave you the first time you pushed me. I forgave you the first time you hit me. I forgave you the first time you kicked me. I forgave you the first time you left a bruise. I forgave you the first time you said you were drunk and didn't remember. I forgave you the first time you admitted to remembering and told me it was my fault because I drove you to drink more, get angrier, get violent, and become the Asshole Piece of Shit Motherfucker that you are. I forgave you the first time you pulled your gun out and threatened us with it. I forgave all of those things the first time, the next time, and all the times after that. I forgave you for everything all while you were reminding me that I wasn't worth forgiving for all of the supposedly horrible things I did to you. All I fucking did was love you, and you didn't deserve my love. You don't deserve the fucking air you breathe.

Because of you, I have a son who now has so much anxiety that he can barely leave his room. Because of you, I've watched him go from being a happy go lucky kid who looked forward to his future, to a suicidal teenager struggling to wake up and function every day. Because of you, I'm scarred in ways I struggle to understand myself. Because of you, I've attempted to sabotage the first genuinely healthy relationship I've ever had in my life. Thankfully he loves me enough to be patient and stand by me. But he doesn't deserve any of this. Because of you and all of the times you slammed me into the wall or hit me or shoved me down, I have epilepsy. Because of you, I have to live with seizures for the rest of my life. Beause of you, the entire course of my life is altered, and you get to live yours like I never existed.

You get to tell everyone how crazy I was. You get to come out smelling like roses while I lose people I thought were my friends and I end up looking like the piece of shit that you are. Tell me how that's fair. No, let me tell you. It's fucking not. You are a fucking loser piece of shit. Your mother not only enables you, she condones what you do. She makes excuses for it then coddles you like you're some kind of fucking perfect little angel. Your entire family knows what you are, yet they turn the other cheeck. I used to think they were good people. Now I fail to see much good in them at all. They're all fake ass motherfuckers just like you. No decent human being would believe your bullshit while watching what you were doing to me and look the other way. No decent human being would continue to treat you like gold after knowing everything you've done to me and my children. But you've manipulated everyone around you to act like you're perfect, even though they know better. I don't get it. I don't understand why everyone walks on eggshells around you. I only did because you beat the shit out of me both mentally and physically.

Lucky for you, I'm still a good hearted person and I refuse to take revenge. I'll let karma deal with your worthless ass. Someday you'll get what's coming to you. I just hope it's soon.

I only have one more thing to say to you, you fucking worthless piece of shit little fuck................

FUCK YOU.

Sincerely,

The best fucking woman you will never have again

Yes, I was angry. Yes, I had to get that off my chest. Now I have a challenge for you. Write your own letter to your ex or whomever it is that abused you. Send them to me if you'd like. I'd be honored. Keep them. Burn them. Frame them. Do whatever it is that feels right to YOU.

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Where honesty meets recovery

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived