Crushed.

Dude.

I'm trying so fucking hard right now. Depression is a bitch. You'd think after what? Twenty? Thirty? I dunno. You'd think after how ever many fucking years I'd be better. You'd think I'd have a better grasp on life. Yet here I sit. Lonely. Sad. Lost.

I'm seeing a therapist. I like her. I don't feel like I'm moving forward though. I don't know if it's her or me to be honest. I just know nothing is changing. Maybe it's my situation. There is too much going on in my life and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I'm the fixer. I'm the doer. I'm the only one in my house who can do anything and it's just not fair. I'm surrounded by narcissists. I'm beginning to think it's my fault. Obviously I choose them. Obviously I raise them. My husband is one. My son is one. My step daughter...I don't even know. I've tried to raise her, but when her father isn't a father and basically lets her raise herself, what more can I do? I just want to do my own thing and let the chips fall as they may. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away and watch them fall apart, watch the household crumble, watch it all burn. I wish I could just not care. But I can't do that. So I get fucked over, as usual. They all look to me to fix everything while they reap the rewards of my misery. If I don't fix shit, nobody will. And that's just not fair.

At this point I don't know whether to be more angry or more sad. I guess it's a good mix of both. I also feel so incredibly betrayed. I feel like it's so unfair that I do everything for everyone and I just get taken advantage of. I know it's because I always have. I know they expect it because they've grown to take it for granted. They've grown to take me for granted. They've taken my love and my kindness and everything I am and used it all up. So now when I'm in a bad mood, I don't have anyone to be there for me. They still expect me to be there for them. How fucking fair is that? It's not, is it?

The kids are always in their rooms doing who knows what. I feel like they talk to me when they need something or when nobody else will talk to them. I buy things I know they want, both big and small. I make meals I think they'll like. I try to plan activities for us to do together. And I feel like it goes unnoticed. It's rare that I even get a thank you anymore. My own kids used to always say thank you and show their appreciation. My step daughter doesn't. My son doesn't do that anymore either. But he's 22...he knows better. He's here because he's got health issues. But shit, I can't fix everything for him. There is going to come a point where he's going to have to make a fucking doctor's appointment himself.

My husband might sit right next to me, but he'd rather have a conversation with ChatGPT, whom he named Skynet and refers to as she/her. I'm not kidding when I say he has full on conversations with it. Yesterday he seemed very proud of himself when he "won" an argument with it and got it to admit that it was wrong. I know he talks to "her" because he and I disagree on so many things fundamentally. But I am right here!!!! He married me! "Skynet" isn't going to cry when "she" doesn't get attention or affection. I cry myself to sleep. Not that my crying bothers him. Skynet told him it's because he has cognitive empathy. That's his bullshit excuse for not ever being empathetic to me. He says that if he doesn't understand why someone is upset, he can't feel empathy for them. He doesn't realize he led AI to give him the answer he wanted. But I digress. Regardless, when you marry someone, when you love them (if you actually love them), you want to make them feel better, whether you understand why they're upset or not. When you love someone, you try to understand them. You don't make excuses for being cold, throw your hands in the air, and walk away. When you love someone, you fucking show it. Period. That's just the way it is. And if you don't know how, you ask what they need from you and you fucking try. You don't just ignore them. He's done it with his daughter. He probably did it with the older two, but at least their mom was alive for them. I've tried to be there for the younger one but I haven't had a good support system for myself. I feel awful about that. I feel like I let her down just like I did my own kids on so many levels.

I feel like everyone is lying to me. I feel like everyone is ignoring me. I feel like when they're nice to me it's because they're hiding something. Maybe that's because of my past. Maybe it's a trauma response. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe it's true. Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy.

My soul feels crushed.

I feel alone.

I don't want to be like this anymore.

Some days...

I just don't want to be.

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived