Grief Is A Dirty Whore

There are seven stages of grief. SEVEN!

You went through hell. You lost who you were but you persevered. You finally escaped. So you can move on with your life now, right? Hell no. Now you have to process everything. It's bullshit. I don't think they're necessarily in any particular order. I'm pretty sure I've cycled through them multiple times over the last few years.

Here's the process that, no matter what you want, your brain forces you to go through.

1. Shock & Denial

I think this might be the biggest part of the healing process. I know for me it was. Shock is obvious. I couldn't believe what I put up with for so long. I couldn't fathom the fact that I allowed myself and my kids to be subjected to so much abuse for so long. So in order to save myself from the guilt I wasn't ready to feel yet, I went into a state of denial. I told myself (and everyone else) that I was fine. I wasn't, mind you. But I thought I was, at least momentarily.

2. Pain & Guilt

This is probably the most noticeable stage to go through. You can't lie to yourself anymore. When the pain sets in, it can be excruciating. Whether you're ready to deal with it or not, you realize you're fucking hurting. Bad. For me, it became overwhelming. Why did he cheat on me? Why did he hit me? Why did he control every aspect of who I was? Those feelings bring on the guilt. Why did I stay? What's so wrong with me that I allowed it all to happen? Why am I so broken? I let my kids watch me go through that. I pretended I was fine for so long...until I just couldn't anymore. They saw through my lies. Then they saw me fall apart. I'm a shit mom. Or at least that's what I thought at the time. I think I still do. Guilt has always been my downfall though. It probably always will be.

Your coping skills through this point in the healing process may not be healthy. I drank a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. I didn't want to feel anything. I went to bed drunk and woke up still drunk. Day drinking became the norm for me. I wasn't proud of who I was at that point. I just didn't care. I didn't want to hurt. So I self medicated. Which of course brought more guilt, but I didn't really care because as long as I was drunk I didn't have to deal with it. On the outside, I looked happy. Inside, I was a fucking hot mess. Well, maybe not the hot part. I was just a mess.

3. Anger & Bargaining

At some point, you'll just get pissed. Pissed at your abuser. Pissed at yourself. Pissed at family and friends for not seeing what you were going through (even though you lied and told them your life was perfect). Pissed at the world for not helping you.

If you're weak like me, you may even bargain with your abuser. Even though he was still controlling me in one way or another months after I left under the guise of "mutal bills we had to take care of" or "that insert stupid object here that I left behind," then screaming at me for not answering his calls or texts about such "important" things, I missed him. I missed the "happiness" I had built up in my head that we had once upon a time. So I became his pathetic victim again. I begged him to stay friends with me. I didn't even want that. But for some reason I felt like I needed it. I felt like I still needed him. I said I would insert desperate action here if he would just talk to me and stay in my life. I look back now and all I can say is what in the actual fuck was I thinking????????

4. Depression (Reflection & Loneliness)

This is when it all hits you. It's when you realize the magnitude of your loss. The loss of your abuser, your freedom, your purpose, your self. Let me tell you, that shit hurts. On the outside, you look like you're moving on. Your friends and family might be telling you how strong you are and how proud they are of you, but inside, you're falling apart. This is when shit gets real. You're probably not ready to feel it yet, but it's an important stage in the process. I think it's the most important one. You have to feel the loss to move forward.

I was not ready for the shit storm of emotions that hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to stay angry. But no. My heart broke into a million pieces all at once. I felt empty. Despair is an understatement. I isolated myself. I cried. I slept. I didn't eat. I didn't know who I was anymore and honestly, I didn't care.

But then, just when you think you can't handle anymore...

5. The Upward Turn

At this point you start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Things are calming down some. You may be a little less depressed. You start to come to terms with everything and you realize that you really do want to move on. Sure, you still feel a sense of loss, but there's that little glimmer of hope that comes creeping in. This is a very important "middle ground" in the healing process. It's ok to begin feeling a little better, while still realizing your loss. You may not know what you're going to do, but you finally have the motivation to do something.

For me, it felt wrong to feel hope. Depression is a cunt. She wants to stay there and for whatever reason you feel compelled to oblige , but eventually you realize she only wants to hurt you. I wasn't really me at this point yet, but I began to remember who I used to be, and that I missed that person. I started to realize that I had a future outside of my abuser, without the pain and misery he brought me, and that I deserved it.

Read that again. I deserved it. So do you. We deserve to be happy.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through

Eureka! That light bulb finally goes off in your head and ideas start coming! You're finally able to begin making solid plans for the future. You start to see who you want to be again and you're able to begin formulating a plan to get there. It feels so good to have a sense of positivity and focus in your life again.

When I finally realized I was ready to move on, I allowed myself to love again. Truth be told, it was at this point that I stopped lying to myself and admitted that I had fallen head over heels with the man that is now my husband. It was scary, but I was finally ready to move forward with my life, and I was able to formulate a solid plan.

7. Acceptance & Hope

By this point, you've allowed the reality of the situation to sink in. You can accept that you went through hell but you survive. Sure, you'll still feel sad sometimes, but the gut wrenching despair is gone. You may never be the same as you were before the abuse, but you are able to admit what you went through, accept it, and start feeling joy in your life again. You're hopeful for the future now, and it feels damn good.

Now...all that said, it's not an easy process. You won't necessarily experience all of those things in that order, or like me, you might cycle back and forth through them multiple times. That's ok. We all process things differently, and we all have different coping skills. I myself have been through every stage countless times, and I think I'm still cycling through them. As much as I hate it, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that the stages become a little less intense every time I go through them.

So where am I at right now? I'm somewhere between being angry and being depressed. I'm drinking more than I should again because if I'm being completely honest here, I'm pretty apathetic about most things. I was angry for a while because HE caused the brain damage that gave me epilepsy for the rest of my life. HE took away my proper cognitive thinking ability. HE made it so that I can't control my emotions and I cry or fly off the handle for the smallest things sometimes. HE changed who I am. That turned to some self loathing because I feel like I'm "failing" my family. I can't hold down a job for various reasons. I can't be the Superwoman I used to be. The anger turned to self loathing, which put me into a deep depression...AGAIN.

As miserable as I'm feeling right now, I do still have hope. I think I might be feeling all of the stages at once right now and it's pretty damn overwhelming. But the hopelessness is gone and I know I'll be ok...eventually.

rewritingmytruth.com

Where honesty meets recovery

letstalk@rewritingmytruth.com

Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived