ifuckedupandthisisn'tmotivational

As the dawn of 2025 shines blindingly in my eyes, I realize something...

I ROYALLY FUCKED UP 2024.

Not just a little bit. Not just, "Oops, I Did It Again" style. Nope. I fucked up. I didn't accomplish a goddamn thing I wanted to accomplish all year long. Not a single goal was met. I didn't even make a plan toward accomplishing a goal. As per typical Heather style, I flitted and fluttered all over the place like a fucking butterfly, moving from this to that, from that to this, doing a cool thing here, an awesome thing there, but never doing anything to completion. I can't even blame my seizures this time either. My last one was January 22 of 2024. (Which means that I have managed to make it almost a full year without a seizure, which is nothing short of amazing. But I digress.) Can I blame the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol? Nah. I hardly ever drink. Can I blame the brain damage? I mean maybe. But honestly that just feels like kind of a cop out to me.

So I blame me. This really isn't going to be a motivational beginning of the year, "I can do it," kind of speech. It's not a resolution or a promise to be a better me. It's not that stupid, "new year, new me" bs. Fuck all that. It's just a realization of where I went wrong last year. It's me admitting that I screwed up. I definitely don't have the answers. I don't know how I'm going to accomplish a single goal in 2025. I just know that I need to do it. I know that I have no choice to grab it by the balls and make it better for me than 2024 was because I can't take another year like the last one. I have things I need to accomplish before I fall apart. I need to feel like I have value because right now...well, I just don't.

I have a lot more I could say at the moment but unfortunately I brought the new year in sick as a dog. Damn near every year for the last 15 years I've either been sick on Christmas or New Year's Eve. It is what it is. For now I'm going to lay down. Hopefully I sleep. I pray my mind doesn't race. I need peace, even if just to heal my body. My mind & my soul...those will come later.

Happy New Year, y'all! I hope you brought yours in a more festive manner than I did.

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived