I'm A Creepy Stalker...No Seriously, I Am

A few weeks back, my son told me my ex popped up in his "people you may know" on TikTok. He showed my husband and I a couple of his posts and I pretended not to be interested. We had a chuckle about how he's gone downhill physically and I went back to whatever it was I was doing at the time...probably playing a mindless game on my phone. I don't know. Anyhow, I told myself I didn't care. But over the next few days it was eating at me so I searched frantically for him. I hated myself for it but it became an obsession. The name he uses on there is a fairly common one so without knowing the numbers he has after his name I couldn't find him. Again, I told myself I didn't care. But truth be told, it was eating at me. Then a few days later, he showed up as someone I might know.

So as you may have guessed, I watched every last video he's posted. There was one with him and his current girlfriend. They were in the kitchen where I spent countless nights making sure my ex had a hot meal when he got home from work even if it meant going straight into the kitchen when I got home without sitting down to relax myself after work. The same kitchen where I prepared Thanksgiving dinners for friends and family, made mixed drinks for game nights with friends, laughed with my kids...and him. It was also the same kitchen where he shoved me to the ground in a drunken stupor and stomped on my hand, breaking my thumb. It was the kitchen where on the night the shit hit the fan, I threw a coffee cup at him to stop him from lunging at me and both of us having a good laugh in the middle of a huge fight because my aim sucks. Side note: when we went to court a month later for me to extend the temporary protection order, he had planned to tell the judge that I fractured his jaw that night with that coffee cup that didn't actually connect. As you may know from a previous post (posts?), I dropped the protection order that day because I'm a dumbass sometimes, but I digress.

Anyways, I'm watching that short 30 second video with a multitude of emotions running through my head. I was pissed just seeing his face. He was smiling, joking with his girlfriend. And damnit, she looked adorable. Back when he was still finding random reasons to contact me, every now and then he'd throw in nasty comments like "I traded up" to hurt me. They didn't. Except they did. I was nostalgic for all the good times I had in that very spot where they stood, both with and without him. I had gained a few pounds while we were together and for the last year or so of our relationship, he was determined to make sure I knew that we weren't having sex because he wasn't attracted to me anymore. I'm watching this video and couldn't help but think to myself, "she's not skinny. Why is she attractive but I wasn't?" Does it really matter now? Of course not. But no matter how much I tell myself and everyone else that I don't care, those words I heard for so long ring loud and proud in my head like that song that randomly plays on repeat in your brain for no apparent reason. I see the multitude of liquor bottles on the counter behind them as they take a shot of whiskey followed by pickle juice. (She said TikTok made her do it or something like that so I assume it was one of the many TikTok challenges that are out there.) She cracks a joke about him driving fast. I know in that moment that he's already drunk. They had probably just gotten back from somewhere and as usual, he drove home wasted. I know all of this from that short, cute little video (and she's the one who made it cute, not him) because I know him. Because I lived the life she's living now, posting funny videos with him to social media in hopes that everyone would see how amazing my life with him was. Because like her, in those moments I made myself believe we had a good relationship. Because I would cling to those fleeting "good times" to make myself believe things were good, all while trying to push away that sense of dread wondering if he was going to snap for no apparent reason again, trying with everything I had to keep things happy and light hearted so that didn't happen. Redirecting him like you do a toddler.

Watching that video made me sick to my stomach thinking about what this woman has got to be going through. Is he hitting her yet? Do they fight and argue like we did over stupid things? Does he belittle her in those tiny little ways that make her question if he's joking or genuinely criticizing her? Is he gaslighting her, making her question her sanity? Does she make excuses to family and friends for his behavior? Does she feel like she wants to leave but just loves him too damn much? Does she still believe his empty apologies or is she getting sick of hearing the broken record? Is she begging him to quit drinking, promising him that she'll be there for him every step of the way? Is she the new "me?" What I hate though, is that through all of those emotions, I was still somewhat envious of this woman. What does she have that I don't? I wondered if maybe they are actually happy. Is she a better woman than me? Is she doing something I couldn't do for him, keeping him under control? Does he tell her he loves her and actually mean it? Then I was pissed at myself. Why do I even care? It's pretty simple, really. He had so much control over me and messed with my head for so many years that I can't not care. I hate it, but it's a fact. He fucked me up.

A few weeks pass. I don't spend much time on social media anymore, but last night I was caught up in the never ending loop of TikTok videos. A video popped up of this cute woman who looked really familiar. When I went to her profile I realized that it was her. So of course, in true Sassypants style, I watch every last video she's posted from beginning to end. I keep thinking how much she reminds me of myself. She's cute, funny, quirky, and loves her friends and family with everything she has. I think about how in a different life, had her and I met, I'd totally be friends with her. I wonder if he's broken her yet or if she's still caught up in his charm and falling for all of his lies. Then I see a post that breaks my heart. She's broken. It was vague, but it takes a broken person to know one. All at once I realized that he's preying on her just like he did me. He's with her because he knows he can manipulate her. He knew as he was getting to know her that she'd put up with his bullshit. He chose her for that reason and that reason alone. He got her to open up about her past so he could jot every weakness and insecurity down and file it away to use later. My heart broke for her. I got pissed at him all over again. He posted something a while back to the tune of something like "when a man pulls away from you it doesn't always mean he's cheating. It means he needs a good woman to stand by his side and be there for him." Blah blah blah. I call bullshit. He's cheating on her. He's probably accusing her of cheating on him like he did me knowing damn well I don't have it in me to be disloyal in any way, shape, or form. He's projecting his faults onto her to make her feel like she has to defend herself and in turn, taking the focus off his own faults so she doesn't leave him. He might even hate her by now but he won't let her be the one to end things. He'll string her along until he finds the next flavor of the week is a done deal...until he's manipulated the next poor woman into falling for his bullshit. Because straight through to the end, he has to be the one in control. He wants her to beg him to stay with her. And he wants to curb stomp her into submission and "prove" to her how fucked up she is and how perfect he is so she knows she was never good enough for him. He wants to break her. And eventually he will. I just pray she leaves before it gets as bad as it was for me. I pray she has the strength to leave before it's too late. I pray she survives.

When I first found out he had found a girlfriend, I wanted so badly to reach out to her and warn her. Of course I knew it would be pointless. I knew she wouldn't heed my warning and keep it to herself in the back of her mind. No, she would go straight to him and they'd have a good laugh about me being one of the multitude of "crazy exes" he has. His ex wife tried to warn me a couple years into our relationship. But even then, after he had already become abusive and I had lived through countless nights of drunken rages with him, I believed that I was different. I believed that she was crazy and I would be the one to love him enough to change him. I believed that I was better than her because even though he tore me down, I chose to focus on how he criticized her and told me how crazy she was. I knew she was telling me the truth, but I also knew that she was still in love with him. I knew this because she had confessed it to him, tears streaming down her face in her back yard, asking why they couldn't work things out, begging him to give her another chance, with me and her new (now ex) husband sitting in the living room with his kids and their new baby. At least that's what he told me. For all I know he could have been getting emotional right there with her. Looking back to how she stood up for him and made threats to me after the shit hit the fan and I got my protection order, I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me with her (and who knows how many other women).

But none of that really matters. What matters is that as much as I don't want to look at his face, I feel compelled to. As much as I shouldn't care who she is or what their life is like together, I do. What matters is that I went to bed with him on my mind and woke up at 4:15 this morning after a very restless night and he was still there. She was still there. What matters is that even though my husband knows my stalker-ish ways because we've stalked him together via his social media accounts, I can't tell him any of this. I mean I can tell him I came across her profile and that I feel for her, but I can't tell him how I'm feeling about it, at least not fully. I know he'd listen and be as understanding as he could. Then we'd joke about what a "loser" my ex is and talk about how he's gone downhill physically. But I'd be holding back. I can't tell him in detail about how looking at their posts becomes an obsession and on any given moment I'll go see if they've posted anything new. I know it would hurt him even if he does understand some of my feelings. Rightfully so. I know it would hurt me too. I can't tell anyone who knows me how I'm feeling because I feel stupid. I know they'll all look at me like I'm an idiot. They hate him, as they should. But here I sit, hating him equally as much (probably more), letting him affect me. I'm angry at myself for caring what his life is like. I'm angry at myself for being jealous of this woman because I do not want to be where she is right now. I'm angry at myself for thinking all of these things when I have an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally in spite of my crazy. I'm happy with my life. I love my husband. I don't want the core things in my life to change. And yet I sit here with assholepiecofshitmutherfucker (that's what I changed his name to in my phone) running through my mind. What a dumb ass.

That's what an abusive relationship will do to you though. Even the strongest badass bitches who speak out against domestic violence and tell the world how angry they are and how they've gotten over their ex are full of shit, at least somewhat. Sure, we can move forward and grow and heal. Inevitably, most of us will. But there is always that piece of us that they broke. There will always be that voice asking why me? or what does she have that I don't?. It will creep up when we least expect it. It will make us nostalgic. It will make us sad. It will piss us off because we know we should just put it on mute. But to some extent it will always be there because they are monsters and we were that loving, vulnerable pawn in the game of their life that they threw away like those moldy leftovers you find in the back of the fridge 3 months after you put them there. No matter how much healing we manage to accomplish, that asshole will always creep back in like a smack to the face when we least expect it.

Now that I've gotten all of this off my chest, I'm going to do my best to make today a good day. I'm gonna make myself another cup of coffee. I think it will be cup 4. I got out of bed way too early again and caffeine is my bff right now. I'm going to try and force myself to shower and put some makeup on. It's been a few days. Maybe a week. Gross. I'm going to try and force myself to put my earbuds in, blast some upbeat music to get pumped up, and go for a walk. I realized the other day that I go multiple days without even stepping outside on the porch. The only sunlight I see comes in through the windows (if I decide to pull the curtains and blinds back, which is rare these days). I need some good old Vitamin D to get me out of this depression I once again find myself succumbing to. The spiral has happened yet again and I'm currently in the void. I'm in that black, empty space where I want to be happy but I can't. I'm in that place where not only can I not get interested in things or enjoy the things I normally do, I don't want to. I'm in that awful headspace where as much as I want to feel better, I don't. It's easier to stay here. Depression is a bitch, y'all. She's a nasty raging cunt. But I'm going to do my best to make today my bitch. At least that's what I'm telling myself at the moment.

But first...let me check TikTok to see if either of them have posted anything new. Because I'm a stalker.

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived