I'm A Fixer

I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by my step-dad when I was younger. For a period of about five years, I was in survival mode. The thing is, no matter how bad the things were that he did to me, I still loved him. After the first time he molested me, he broke down in tears and told me that he had been molested by multiple male and female family members when he was younger. He told me he didn't want to be that way...he just didn't know how to control it. I felt sorry for him. I saw his vulnerability. As crazy as it sounds, aside from the abuse, he was a good guy. He really tried hard to be a good father to me, as well as his two boys - my brother and step brother. We did plenty of things together as a family. We had a boat. I had a horse. We laughed a lot. Of course we were always walking on eggshells, but we made the best of a bad situation. Even when I was getting beaten, or the nights he'd come into my room forcing me to do things I didn't want to do, I still loved him. I knew the good inside of him. I knew the man he wanted to be.

I'm pretty sure that's why I haven't had a single healthy relationship in my life. I am the first to admit I get swept away by a charming man. I love the excitement of a new relationship. I love the idea of being in love. When I fall in love, I love hard. I'm loyal, faithful, and genuine to a fault. I choose to look past the bad and see the good in people. That's where the problem comes in. I, my friends, am a "fixer." It's great to see the best qualities in people. Being cynical all the time is not healthy. But there has to be a healthy balance of the two, and that's always been my problem. I've said before that I'd rather be too nice and get taken advantage of than to be a bitch and not be there when someone genuinely needs me. That still holds true. I think where I go wrong is by trying too hard for too long. What should be red flags in the beginning of a relationship usually end up overlooked. I do know what I want in my life, and after years of crap relationships, I know what I don't want. Yet somehow I still keep on getting sucked into unhealthy relationship after unhealthy relationship. That's not to say that any of these guys are bad, per se. They just have their own sets of issues that they have to fix on their own...or not fix. Either way, I know it's not my job. Yet somehow I feel like it's my obligation to help them because I love them...because they're worth it. And yeah, they may be worth it, but at what cost to me? And damn it, I'm worth it too!

As if that isn't bad enough, ya know what else I do? I push the good ones away. I've pushed away so many guys who I know for a fact will treat me like a queen. Why do I do that? I honestly think it's because I thrive on the chaos. The roller coaster relationships that wear me down after a while just seem so damn exciting in the beginning. If you argue in the beginning stages of a relationship, something is definitely wrong. In the first few months, aside from a few small disagreements here and there, things should be good. Hell, they should be damn near perfect. This is when you're getting to know each other. But I, my friends, have a bad habit of pushing on when things start out bad. I mean fighting sucks, but making up is just so damn fun, right? Yeah...dumbass move, huh? And it never fails...when I meet an amazing man who dotes on me and treats me like gold, I get bored. I want to be treated that way. I really do. But old habits die hard. Well, it's time to break the cycle. I'm done.

They say women look for someone like their father. Well, I guess since my dad wasn't around because we lived on the other side of the country, I looked for men like my step dad. As much as I hated the way I was treated, as much as I hate the chaos, as much as I crave the love and security that a healthy relationship will give me, I instinctively go after men like him. The cycle of abuse is hard to break. I may not have beaten or molested my kids, but as much as it hurts, I can admit that I put them through hell by allowing them to see me treated poorly by the men in my life. One thing I'll tell you right now though, is that I'm done. D.O.N.E. Done. At least I hope so. From this day forward, no more narcisists. No more control freaks. No more addicts. NO MORE BROKEN MEN! I may have always tried to be a fixer in the past, but I can't do it anymore. Now it's time to fix me.

I will no longer settle.

I will believe I deserve better.

I will only accept what I deserve.

I am woman, hear me roar...or something like that.

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Where honesty meets recovery

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived