Roller Coasters and Eggshells SUCK!! (The last narcissistic relationship I'll ever be in)

Dating again after a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships is a trip. Let me tell you, it can get interesting. Grab a glass of wine (or in my case a cold beer), sit back, and let me tell you a crazy little story about a man I'll call Tim...

First off, I'm the first to say that online dating can be great. I met my last long term boyfriend online. Granted, I didn't find my "forever home" with him, but we were together for four (not so) blissful years. You can get to know someone on a different level behind a screen. You can be a little less inhibited and be more honest about who you are and how you feel because it's safe. That said, it can also be a disaster.

Ready? Here goes...

I believe I messaged Tim first. I was browsing profiles and I absolutely adored his eyes. They looked so honest and genuine, not to mention sexy as hell. If I'm being completely honest, my first thought when I saw him was, "holy shit he's hot! I'd hit it!" Honestly at that point I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wanted to find someone to fuck. Plain and simple. So Tim and I talked a little. He seemed interesting enough (unlike half of the other guys I messaged...BORING!). We could carry on an intelligent conversation. He also made me laugh. Bonus points to any man who can make me laugh. I believe my dating profile said something to the effect of, "I want to laugh until I pee my pants." Anyhow, we talked a little here and there for a few days, and things just kind of naturally fizzled out. He kept wanting to do video chat with me, and I'm sorry, but when I wake up first thing in the morning, I am not cute. I told him if he wanted to talk he could call, but the video seemed kind of stalkerish if you ask me. So like I said, we just kinda stopped talking. I stopped answering the video calls and he eventually just kind of gave up.

At that point I was visiting my daughter out of state (across the country to be precise), and I had made the decision to stay there. I was staying with her and her husband, and they had gone on a long weekend trip together. Well lo and behold, who calls one night? Tim! That particular night I was bored. I had nobody to talk to and I was actually working on getting a website up and running. I had just finished the home page and was more than ready for a break, so I answered the phone. We ended up talking for about 3 hours that night. He kept asking me the same questions over and over again, but I noticed he had been drinking a little, so I didn't let it bother me. I myself had had a few beers. He kept me busy that night. He kept my mind engaged. I remembered how cool he actually was and how much I enjoyed our conversation. Tim was from my home state, so I didn't think much of it. I let him know I had planned to stay where I was at that point, and he said it was just nice to reconnect and talk to me again. I figured that was that. Maybe we'd talk here and there, but I didn't expect much more to come of it.

After that night, we started talking a lot more. Feelings had definitely begun to develop. I was seeing someone else local to the area, and I did enjoy spending time with him, but whenever we were together, all I could think of was Tim. I began to depend on our nightly video chats that would last 3, 4, even 5 hours at a time. We talked about our hopes and dreams, religion, our fears and insecurities. And then seemingly out of nowhere it hit me. I was falling in love with this man! How could that possibly happen? I had never met him face to face. We both agreed that nothing would ever come of our relationship because I had planned to stay in the state my daughter lives in, so we were both seeing other people. But then one night while we were talking.........he told me he loved me. He immediately apologized because he didn't want to make things awkward, but I knew I felt it too. I didn't say it back that night, but the next night I couldn't hold back. I told him I had been in love with him for a while. We agreed that no matter what happened, we would always be friends. Neither of us could imagine a life without the other in it.

It was a whirlwind of feelings for a while with Tim. I remember one particular night that he told me he was having a woman over that he had met online. He said it was just sex. I tried to act like it didn't bother me, because I knew nothing could really ever come of a long distance relationship, but inside I felt like I was dying. I ended up crying all that night. The next day he said it meant nothing, but he just needed sex, like we had both agreed was acceptable earlier on. After that things got a little crazy though. The intensity of that jealousy brought all of my insecurities out. I thought I needed Tim. I thought I couldn't breathe without him. He admitted to the same feelings. That was a turning point for us. He began getting jealous of the man I was seeing locally, and his jealous side really came out. I had already told him that things had begun to fizzle out with the other guy, but he didn't believe me. He accused me of things I wasn't doing. He yelled at me. He wouldn't let me answer the questions he'd asked because he told me that if I didn't admit to having sex with this guy, I must be lying. I wasn't at that point (although I had previously and he did know that), but he thought I was so even by telling him the truth, I was being accused of lying. I spent so much time and energy trying to convince him how much I loved him and that I wouldn't lie to him that it felt like my entire soul was being drained. We would fight intensely (usually ending in me crying), and then he would apologize and tell me it was just his insecurities and fear of losing me talking, and we'd make up. When things were good with Tim, they were great. But when they were bad...oh boy were they bad.

Tim and I ended up not talking for about a week. I think he blocked me on social media and his phone. I was hurt, but I knew the roller coaster wasn't healthy so I was trying to let him go. I spent a little more time with the local guy, and one night we got a hotel together. We had sex for what would end up the last time. Actually, it was the last time we ever saw each other face to face. All that night, I laid in bed and thought of Tim, wishing it was him I was next to, wishing I could see him face to face, touch him, look into his eyes. I was convinced that our problems were all based on the insecurities that came about because we were so far apart. I thought that if we were able to physically be together, we'd be amazing. Funny enough, he sent me a long, heartfelt message that night and told me he couldn't breathe without me. The next morning, after Mr. Local left the hotel and went to work, I called Tim. We talked for a few hours, and from that point on, we decided we were going to give the long distance relationship thing a go. It was him and I against the world. We "knew" our love was strong enough to make it work.

I decided to take a trip back to my home state to tie up loose ends. In reality, I really just needed to see Tim face to face. I craved his touch. We counted down the weeks, then days, then hours until I saw him. He actually picked me up from the airport and we spent that first night together in a hotel. To say it was pure bliss would be an understatement. I swear to you when I met him, it felt like our souls knew each other in a previous life. I felt complete, like there was a part of me I had been searching for my entire life, and I had just found it. I just knew in my heart that I had met the man I was going to marry and we'd spend the rest of our lives together. But of course, nothing with Tim was ever that easy. I spent some time with my family, and planned to go see him a couple days later. That night, my car started overheating. I let him know, and again, he didn't believe me. I eventually made it to his house, but it took about an hour longer than planned because I had to keep stopping and letting the car cool off and add water, but I made it. Of course he apologized for not believing me as soon as he saw me and I thought all was good. I spent the night at his house, then we went camping a couple days later with some of his friends. It was great until the woman he had sex with called him. He had previously told me they weren't talking anymore, so when I asked him why she was calling, he said she always drunk dialed him. He finally admitted to still talking to her. I wasn't upset that he talked to her because he assured me they were just friends. But I wasn't ok with the fact that he lied to me. But as always, I let it go. I wanted to believe everything he said. We ended up spending a couple more nights together while I was visiting and it was a constant roller coaster. He'd accuse me of lying to him or bring something up from the past, and whenever I would try to defend myself or ask him about something he'd done, he'd turn it back around on me. I felt like I could never win with him. But damn, the intensity of the feelings I had for him was amazing. I honestly had never felt anything quite like it before. We actually talked about getting married...soon. In my haze of emotion, I really thought that meant everything would be ok. I wanted so bad to believe that would fix everything. I decided while I was back home that I had to move back. I couldn't live across the country. It wasn't really home to me. Tim wasn't the main reason, but he helped things along. A few days later I bought my son and I one way tickets home.

Those next couple weeks, waiting to get home were good for Tim and I for the most part. We were excited to start our new lives together. I was looking for a place to live and jobs near him, and I was making plans. We spent one night together when I first got back, but in true Tim fashion, we fought. Now what I haven't yet told you is that through all of this, I continued talking to a very good male friend of mine whom I had known for a few years. I didn't talk a lot about Tim, but he did know about him. The reason I didn't talk about Tim was because I knew even before I left the state and went east to stay with my daughter, things were developing between us and I didn't want to hurt him...and I was confused. Him and I started spending time together and I realized that no matter how much I "loved" Tim, he wasn't good for my soul. My heart should not ache with love. It should overflow. And with my friend, it had always overflowed. Maybe not in the traditional giddy butterflies in my stomach kind of way, but talking to him always calmed me. Even when I was with my ex, this guy was a sounding board and a genuine friend to me. That's when I realized I was done with Tim.

I knew the roller coaster of emotions was far from healthy. No matter how I thought I felt, I knew it was slowly killing me inside. All of the confidence I had built back up after I left my ex was slowly disappearing and I couldn't let that happen, so I ended things with Tim. It hurt so bad, but I simply couldn't do that to myself. Not anymore. Not again. Tim began to incessantly text and call me. I told him I couldn't deal with it because I had family things going on and to give me time to give him an explanation. He just wouldn't let up. It began feeling stalkerish again, which seemed to happen a little too frequently in the months we had been talking. I ended up having to block him from my social media and my phone because I wanted to cry every time his name popped up. I wanted to talk to him so bad, but I knew I couldn't. I didn't have the emotional energy for it. I was torn up inside knowing I was hurting him. He kept emailing me for about a week. It continuously went back and forth between how I had broken him because he loved me and how much he hated me because of how horrible I was. Every single email I got tore me up, but I simply didn't have the energy to respond. I had planned on explaining things a little more and give him the closure he said he needed, but I decided in the end that all that would serve to do is pour salt into the wound for both of us.

Do I still love Tim? I thought so for a long time. Is it the kind of love I need in my life? Absolutely not. It may have been real, but no matter how real your love for someone is, that doesn't make it healthy. I knew damn well I couldn't allow myself to repeat the same patterns and forge yet another unhealthy relationship. Whether he wanted to be or not, Tim was emotionally abusive. He gaslighted me. He belittled me. He built me back up and made me feel great, just to do it all over again. Tim is broken. I hope and pray with everything in me that he can heal his wounds and find a woman who makes him happy. I just know that woman is not me, and I know he isn't the man for me.

All of that said, I'm in such an amazing place in my life right now. I had decided that I really didn't want to get into a relationship. I wanted to focus on myself and my son, and simply just be. Well, love has a funny way of creeping up on us when we least expect it because remember the friend I was talking about that I had begun to develop feelings for? Things with us just kind of happened. We realized that we both had started feeling something more than just friendship before I left the state. He was afraid to say anything for a multitude of reasons, but we continued to talk quite a bit while I was gone, just as we did before I left. And right here, right now...I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is exactly what my soul needs. With him I never worry if he loves me or if he's going to get mad over something stupid. With him I can be myself and I know he'll never judge me. With him I know I can say what's on my mind without any fear of judgement or criticizm. He listens. He opens up to me as I do to him. And I realized that the friendship that started a few years ago, and really began to blossom about 10 months ago, really became something special over the last 4 or 5 months. I realized that I have a love for him that is completely unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and even though it wasn't the type of relationship my heart thought it wanted, it is exactly what my soul needs. My heart is content with him. I feel safe, secure, and loved. I can't guarantee what the future holds, but what I do know is that we are going to do amazing things together. I think it took me falling for Tim and being damn near broken by him, to truly understand that the love I've always felt for this guy is the kind of love I need in my life. We have a few obstacles ahead of us because of both of our pasts, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that right now he is exactly what I want and need in my life. And honestly, I know he will always be in my life. I've never experienced a love quite like this and it feels good. It's natural, organic, honest, and simply just us. Us is a really good thing and I'm not letting that go. Ever.

I am done with roller coaster relationships. I am done with walking on eggshels. I'm done with alcoholics and addicts. I'm done trying to fix broken men. From here on out, no matter who comes into my life, I come first. I have to. I see now that I wasn't truly in love with Tim. Yes, I loved him. But I wasn't in love with him, at least not in a healthy way. I was addicted to him. I went for what I knew because even though it was negative, it was what I was used to. Narcissists were my "normal." Normal does not always = good though. I needed to step outside the box and see something different for what it really was, and I realized that it's exactly what I've always needed, even though I didn't know it. So now, I'm done dealing with people like that in any capacity of my life. It's my time to shine now, and let me tell you I'm gonna shine. Never again will I allow a man (or anyone else for that matter) bring me down.

Never again.

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Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived