Why Can't We Just Let Go?

When you're in a controlling or emotionally abusive relationship, you become a different person. When you hear the insults, feel the control, and fight so hard for a person who only fights for themselves, you begin to become the person they portray you as. If they tell you repeatedly how ugly you are, you begin to feel ugly. If they constantly call you crazy, you become crazy. You're really not those things, but in your mind you believe every last word. Even though that little voice in your head is telling you that you're better than this and that you need to get out, you ignore it. You put it on mute. Or like in my case, you raise your middle finger high in the air and you tell that voice to shut the fuck up. Why? The answer is simple. You no longer have control over yourself. Your abuser does. Now this doesn't mean you're weak. Not by any means. What it means is that the love you have for a person takes over, and you want so badly to please them that you forget who you were coming into the relationship.

Now fast forward a little bit. Say you're lucky enough to escape like I was.

No...scratch that.

Say you're strong enough to tell the motherfucker to kiss your ass like I was. Why do you still think about them? Why is there a part of you that still loves this horrible person who turned you into a shell of your former self? Why do you still crave their attention sometimes (or all the time). You know they hurt you. You know they didn't love you like you did them. You know DAMN sure you're better off without them. So what gives? Well, this one isn't that simple. This is something that my rational mind knows, but my heart has struggled with over the time since I've broken free from the abuse.

We inherently know that we don't want to be abused. No matter what your life was like before this person, whether you were previously abused in some way, you had the perfect life, or something in between, you know what you don't want in your life. The problem comes in with trying to figure out what you do want. You used to imagine the "perfect" person you could spend the rest of your life with. You pictured the fairy tale. Sure, you knew things wouldn't always be a bed of roses, but we instinctually know the kind of life we want to live. When you become trapped by a narcissist, they groom you to become nothing more than their toy to play with. side note I say narcissist because I believe that all abusers are narcissistic. Not all narcissists are abusive, but all abusers have narcissistic tendencies.* So anyways, back to grooming. They groom us. They show us that unequivocal charm that they all seem to have. They shower us with compliments and love. They listen very closely to who you are and what you want, and they give you just that. But as soon as they've got you hook line and sinker and they know you're in love with them, it's game on. By this point they know you're not going anywhere. They know that they can act however they want because as long as they apologize, maybe shed a tear or two, or shower you with gifts or love, you'll forgive every last indescretion.

So going back to the original question, why the hell do they have even an iota of control after we break free? I believe that i's because as good hearted, loving, normal people, we want to see the best in people, especially someone we loved so deeply. And in spite of the weeks, months, or in many cases (mine included) the years of grooming and that roller coaster of emotions, we still carry some sort of love for that person. But do you know what else we carry? Guilt. Lots of it. We know we didn't really do anything all that wrong over the course of the relationship. Even if we made mistakes and did things we're not proud of, we know damn well that we didn't deserve to be put down, beaten, or controlled. But somehow we still feel bad for what we did "wrong." Why do you think that is? Yep...you guessed it. They groomed us to feel that way. In many cases, they took us away from our families. They ostracized us from our friends. They wanted to be the only one we had to depend on...and to their delight, it worked.

I'll tell you that to this day, even though I despise the ex that I spent almost four years planning to marry, there is still a part of me that craves his approval. I don't want affection from him anymore. I don't want to be around him or talk to him. I honestly don't even want to so much as think about him, but I'm not in control of that. He's there. He's always there. Whether it's a fleeting memory, an insecurity that creeps in, an unresolved fear that I have because of him, he's still in my head. I guess in a way he won. He's still got some semblance of control over me. But with each day that passes and each breath I take, that goes away just a little bit more.

The one piece of advice I'll give you right now is to look for red flags. Does that mean you're a little jaded? Maybe. Does it mean you value yourself? Abso-fucking-lutely. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is. I'm not saying push away every person that treats you good. I'm just saying be aware. You know what you fell for in the beginning of that relationship. Don't allow yourself to do it this time around. Don't push the good ones away. Believe me, I know all about that. I almost did. Hell, I tried to. But the good ones won't leave you no matter how hard you push. So first and formost, take care of A number 1. Take care of YOU.

Life isn't always unicorns and rainbows, but for those of us that have been to hell and back, and broken free from abuse, it's up to us to put the pieces back together. Don't look at life through rose colored glasses, but if you want to chase that rainbow in hopes of that pot of gold at the end, GO FOR IT! If you want to ride that unicorn, DO IT! You're stronger than you think and you deserve more than what you may believe.

Much love, my lovlies. I'll be back soon.

rewritingmytruth.com

Where honesty meets recovery

letstalk@rewritingmytruth.com

Lynae

Writer • Healing Advocate

Rewriting the stories I once survived